It was lucky that I went to see a fortune teller today. She warned me that somebody was going to scam me... I was more than happy to pay for that kind of information.

How to stop snoring: Place pillow tightly over partner's face, hold firmly until snoring stops, then delete this message.

If you get the feeling something awesome just happened to the universe, it's because I just woke up.

Back in my day, you knew who your real friends were because they ranked you in order of importance on MySpace.

People who don't know me think I'm quiet... People who do know me wish I was!

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said. 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late." ~Jack Handey