Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make! Then they call me ugly and poor.

I would switch cell phone providers if one had an "unsend my drunk text" option.

I bought a self-help DVD online, called "How to Handle Disappointment". When the package arrived it was empty.

If you never jumped from one couch to the other to save yourself from the lava then you didn't have a childhood.

It's just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.

When the car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a little bit so the cars behind me can see I'm not causing the traffic.