Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make! Then they call me ugly and poor.
-most liked Facebook statuses
I would switch cell phone providers if one had an "unsend my drunk text" option.
-funny drunk status
I bought a self-help DVD online, called "How to Handle Disappointment". When the package arrived it was empty.
-clever funny status
If you never jumped from one couch to the other to save yourself from the lava then you didn't have a childhood.
-status about childhood
It's just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
-witty funny status
When the car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a little bit so the cars behind me can see I'm not causing the traffic.