Math questions are so dumb. They're like, "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?" Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?!

I would never take a bullet for anyone, because taking something that's not yours is called stealing and stealing is just plain wrong.

Every time this status gets a 'Like' a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

You had better look like your profile photo, or you're buying me drinks until you do!

Let's run away together.. jk, I have asthma.

I gave blood for the local blood drive today. Someone's blood alcohol level is going UP!