I'll never do online dating. I like to meet people the old fashioned way, through alcohol & poor judgement.

Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.

I do not get drunk. I get awesome.

Here's a tip for you: When you start going out with someone, just after they go to sleep at night, put a nicotine patch on their arm. Then, just before they wake up in the morning, take it off again. This way, if they ever leave you, they'll get withdrawal symptoms, think it's love, and come back.

My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.